Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it.

When you can see only two alternatives — yours and the "wrong" one — you can look for a synergistic third alternative. There's almost always a third alternative, and if you work with a Win-Win philosophy and really seek to understand, you usually can find a solution that will be better for everyone concerned.

Next time you catch yourself inappropriately using one of the autobiographical responses — probing, evaluating, advising, or interpreting — try to turn the situation into a [Emotional Bank Account] deposit by acknowledgment and apology. [For instance, "I'm sorry, I just realized that I'm not really trying to understand what you are telling me. Could we start again?" works wonders.]

When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and third alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress; instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy.

If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me — your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend — you first need to understand me. And you can't do that with technique alone. If I sense you're using some technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder why you're doing it, what your motives are. And I don't feel safe enough to open myself up to you.

If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.