One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off.

With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness...

The Walmart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

Credit to Comedy Zone website

Microsoft Office software products have been notorious for their poor security features. Partly as a result, Office 2007 beefed up its security features and now attempts to alert the user when some action might expose the computer to potentially malicious behavior. This has led to many complaints about the poor user interface that has various security-related dialog boxes popping up to ask for this or that permission.

Lars Toomre has long been frustrated with one particular example of this poor Microsoft programming. About three times an hour his version of Microsoft Office 2007 attempts to retrieve e-mail messages from the Toomre Capital Markets LLC ("TCM") e-mail server. This e-mail server does not use a Microsoft product. As a result, about once an hour a dialog box pops up stating that access to a foreign server that is using a security certificate that cannot be verified and asks if I want to continue using this server. (The message also states "The target principal name is incorrect.") Of course, I do and have clicked appropriately for something like several thousand times in the past few years.

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really angry and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"

A blonde carpenter was giving evidence about an accident she had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit her and asked her how far away she was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter with a coy smile.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

"There are only three doors in here," the stewardess replied. "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.

But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

“POOF” The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."

“POOF”

Credit to Comedy Zone website

What did the blonde female customer say to the waitress when reading her name tag?

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight pencil skirt with matching high heels. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind herself and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step up onto the bus only to discover she still could not! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. Then for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again for a third time was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut up! You're next!"

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.

“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.

Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license. Now today you want me to show it to you!”

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

"A Refreshing Lift" was one of the last paintings ever done by the great Gil Elvgren. This style of pin-up provided American pilots of World War II and beyond with the inspiration for much of their aircraft nose art.

This painting also appeared as a page in my 2010 daily calendar and reminds me of my own efforts changing the large water jug at Mary's apartment. Maybe a lovely thigh clad in stockings and garters would have helped me too!! Or would that have been too distracting?!? I suspect though that I would have poured even more out of the top than depicted here if Mary suddenly appeared in such an outfit.

The Lars Toomre website uses Drupal, an open-source Content Management System ("CMS") system, to dynamically generate the web pages that are served up on this website's visitors. As a part-time technology "geek", Lars is a big fan of the flexibility that this CMS technology offers. That flexibility comes at a cost though. Whereas as some other popular CMS software like WordPress are much easier to use "right out of the box" so to speak, Drupal requires considerable effort in setting various parameters and even some programming to get a website to look and work as desired.

The current version of the Lars Toomre website has remained basically unchanged for the past two plus years. During the summer of 2010, Lars will be making some changes both to address the resolution of some long-known issues and to prepare for a move both to a new version of Drupal (Drupal 7) and the adoption of the HTML5 language. Hence, there may be some temporary hick-ups as these changes are incorporated into the production website.

If there are annoyances about the current presentation and/or operation of this website that bother the reader, please let me know. Lars will try to incorporate such changes before Lars and friends are distracted by the upgrades to HTML5 and Drupal 7 as well as the Fall activities. There may well even be some short blog entries that describe how certain of the outstanding annoyances were resolved. Thanks!!!

The story is told of the Persian rascal-sage Nasreddin, who found himself on the bow of a ferry boat with a pompous intellectual. Bloated with his own erudition, the scholar began to quiz and criticize the education of Nasreddin (alternatively spelled Nasrudin or Nasruddin).

"Have you ever studied astronomy?" asked the professor. "I can't say that I have," answered the mystic. "Then you have wasted much of your life. By knowing the constellations, a skilled captain can navigate a boat around the entire globe."

A few minutes later the learned one asked, "Have you ever studied meteorology?" "No, I haven't." Well, then, you have wasted most of your life," the academician chided. "Methodically capturing the wind can propel a sailing ship at astounding speeds."

After a while the fellow inquired, "Have you ever studied oceanography?" "Not at all." "Ah! What a waste of your time! Awareness of the currents helped many ancient peoples find food and shelter."